Fail Safe: CNBS Emergency Programming 4/18/11

April 19, 2011

Last night I was watching the movie Fail Safe on Crackle, (free movie site), and was inspired by today’s successful and dramatic efforts at CNBS to encourage people to buy the dip after the S&P crap hit the tape.

The guy on the left works for Dr. Bob.

What a load of crap. Why? By the time Clowngress addresses this deficit and printing orgy, we all will be long gone. It is too late now. Maddoff is in jail for a Ponzi. If this whole exercise in fiscal and monetary madness isn’t one, then what is?

Odd how today not one person in Clowngress even mentioned that what the Fed is doing might be a wee bit of a problem? Float away you fairies.

Other than Ron Paul, who is gagged and shackled in the House of Representatives janitors closet, no one addresses the likely unintended consequences of our perpetual money printing machine.

Both sides of the aisle are either flat out morons or evil.

Given the fact that no one cares about what happened today, I decided to investigate like a good reporter should what CNBS does when the heat map looks like a thirty foot wall of tomatoes at the farmers market.

9:00 AM

The S&P news hits.

The futures market suddenly convulse as the unexpected the S and Pee downgrade of USA debt crosses the wires.

Crapvision panics cause all the shills are long.

Outside of the Wall and Broad Street Starbuck’s, Bill (Larry Fine) Gross and “Hey Mo” (El Hashish) from Pimpco chat how they knew about this two weeks ago. They laugh and slap each other on the back.

They soon get booked to pump their positions later in the day on Maria’s show. Bill “Larry Fine” Gross is scheduled to front run his book slightly earlier but all is well.

(Come on CNBS, I am not that dumb. Hey Mo! Hey Mo! Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck…Why you!)

Mo is getting ready to give you the two finger eye poke. He’s got the hand diversion going now. Boink!

Ironic Uncle Jimmy Buffett cashed out of his Goldman Sucks crap today isn’t it? What a douche bag.

9:07 The Pentagon is Alerted stocks may fall

So what is the first message Crapvision or CNBS spews out regarding the S&P downgrade of our country’s solvency?

How about booking “What about Bob” Pissani to tell us what is happening? CNBS searched for the best advocate of moronic logic and found it immediately in Bob. He ruled today. The dude spewed absolute nonsense and got torn to shreds at times by other shills. He looked like a sad beagle puppy by the end of the day.

The main theme in the early hours of CNBS programming today was “Do you care about this crap? Will you still buy the QQQ even if we go bankrupt and do you have no money to buy one hundred shares of this garbage? Is it possible that an unelected cabal, the Federal Revere and Clowngress will bankrupt our country?”

Uh, no. Not yet. Once it sank in we will all be dead by the time we address our massive debt load, it was buy the dip time.

We don’t give a shit until we have to. Oh behave.

News Officially Hit’s the tape. GS did front run this crap just so you know:

(Reuters) – Stock index futures extended losses on Monday after Standard & Poor’s credit ratings agency cut its long-term outlook for the United States to negative from stable.

My own first reaction as an American, who no longer gives a shit, was who gives a shit.

But Wait. Bye Doo is falling. This must be serious. One of the most popular stocks in America is a crappy Chinese search engine that we can’t read. Every once in a while a Drudge siren goes off in it so I know stuff happens there but I can’t read Chinese.

Tell me why anyone should care about a Chinese search engine? I don’t get this one. I do like looking at the pictures though.

Crapvision Emergency Pre Market Meeting, All Shills Must Attend

Whiskey Haines straggles in with a half pint of Old Bushmills tucked in his lapel looking for his teeth that were left in a glass on Erins desk. Across the room, Steve Lies “Man” is scribbling away on a greasy KFC napkin jotting stoopid crap down about how he is going to tell you what to think.

You know, the anticipatory talking points a five year old could mimic before he gets inserted into the “Dicks in a Box” panel on Squeal Box.

Soon after, Rick Santelli tears him a new one and Steve cowers like a submissive Collie. CNBS schedules Steve to come back three more times and say dumb things. When confronted as to why the Fed didn’t respond to the downgrade of our countries debt, Steve replied.

“They don’t have to respond. (The Fed) Why should they have to say anything?”

Whoa. Wait a minute slap head. Have you forgotten that these same Fed plutocrats just finished the first leg of their world tour
and will be appearing before us next week selling BTFD (buy the f**king dip) Fed T shirts? You know, the transparency thingy?

Now I know what you were doing at Jackson’s Hole Steve.


Quickly, CNBS producers scramble to schedule numerous pigmen guests who were caught long over the weekend. They too will spew some dumb things over the next six hours. The pigmen will once again attempt to entice you to buy overvalued crap. The them could care less about you, your family, or your dog. Pigmen hate you. They want your house and chillren.

Overheard in the green slime room at CNBS at 9:22 AM:


“Is Ned Riley available? No? Get Froelich then! We need pumpers! How about the guy with space between his teeth that looks like a Groundhog? You know, the guy whose nose crinkles up and always says buy! Get him now!”

Butt licker:
“But, but, I ca…..

“Now! Call them!”

No luck Butt? Given the fact that every grease ball is in the Hamptons for the shortened holiday week, (that only goes up in a bubble), the butt man is in trouble.

The Butt man gets fired at 9:24 AM.

The primary goal of Crapvisions producers is to schedule a nicely tanned, bald headed, Steve Liesman as much as possible during this “fake” head fake, fake market day. Steve will tell you the opposite of what a logical mind would conclude is true. In other words, Steve Lies Man. Yeah Baby!

9:27 AM

Next step is to book even more floor monkeys who have been diagnosed with BTFD Syndrome. Buy the f**king dip syndrome triggers physical, mental, and moral hazard conditions yet to be diagnosed by doctors in America.

The early prognosis is these pigmen afflicted with BTFD Syndrome always BTFD.

BTFD syndrome is contagious and during our third POMO induced DOW JOKES and NASCAR stock market mania, it has begun to spread. Researchers feel that traders have become addicted to the Federal Reserve’s advertised stock market manipulation mandate and cannot help themselves from “BTFD” when they see any color red. They go to a grocery store and see a tomato, they will buy it, then look for something that they can dip. They must press the buy button even if an asteroid is headed to San Francisco.

9:32 AM

Later that morning:

“Where is he? Wake him up! (calls go out to multiple CNBS pigmen in the Hamptons. Ned Riley is still unavailable to pump the QQQ.)

More phone calls go out to more pigmen who are sleeping off a Sunday night bender.

Taken from “What About Bob” Pissants cell phone:

“Hey guys, this is Trader Talk!”

“F**k you Bob. Click”

“Hey, it’s me. Bob. It’s all going to be OK right?”

“Huh, who is this? Do you realize what time it is? Click.”

Market opens and gets shanked. Dip buyers get a little nervous but know the market will rally into the close even if a tidal wave hit’s the east coast.

Multiple text messages deluge Crapvision servers from awake pigmen at remote locations across the United States soon after the market opens. Lazlo Bulimia breaks his ruler on his desk (that’s how he gets his S&P price targets, with his ruler) and swears at the S&P chart. He punches his pillow and goes to sleep with his nookie.

9:47 AM

The studio scrambles to fill time and calm high frequency traders.

“What About Bob” Pissani tells us whether the S& P downgrade is good or bad.

“Folks, talking to a few traders who are pissed that they have to come back home from their Hampton Easter Vacation to deal with their long positions, they told me this is a good thing. A country get’s their debt downgraded means buy! Back to you Moo.”

Basically what Bob means someone or some human will do something about our repulsive debt someday so this is a non event. That took a lot of thought, didn’t it?

Do I believe the traders at Trader Talk? Sure, why not? Should we worry? Hell no, just sell when Thunderdome hits.

Camera pan’s to Rick Santelli shaking his head again at all the “Dicks In a Box.” CNBS refuses to open his mic. Rick is yelling and no one looks at his box.

11:00 AM to Lost Money 12:20 PM

Market stabilizes and the shills know they have a handle on today’s shank.

CNBS Afternoon Game plan:

Schedule as many “Dicks in a Box Bulls” as you can.

Corporate Orders 11: 14 AM:

“Please schedule three back to back bull floor guys with some dude and a shill.”

The main stock pumping, free market enterprise, price discovery, efficient market theory objective is to let people know that it is still safe to buy the dip because our USA Charles Ponzi Economy is rigged and we won’t go bankrupt for a while.

CNBS knows they have shorts by the balls again.

Lost Money sucked today. Pony Tail Two had his nose jammed so far up some tail pipe he could beep the car horn with an eyebrow hair. Frigging jackass. Larry Fine Two (Zach Carnival Barker) hated a lot of stuff but liked a lot of stuff more.

2:00 PM To the Close

Held back POMO money hits the futures late today and the market grinds higher as overvalued TURDS begin to perk up:

Steaming heaps of overvalued poop, that hedge funds and high frequency traders manipulate on a weekly option basis, begin to levitate. All of the early morning news is forgotten as we complete several economic cycles during the morning session and move out of recession into recovery in the afternoon.

Given the shortened holiday week, I am sure many pigmen were thrown for a loop today but will be saved. We can’t fall into the Easter weekend. That is a Fed mandate.

I assure you as a steward of fairness; every negative aspect of the S and P USA debt downgrade will be righted during the long three day holiday weekend so we can gap up Monday. (I am not even going to attempt to go there but I am thinking about it.)

Crisis averted. CNBS people give each other high fives and hug each other.

4:00 PM. Fail Safe plan completed:

Screw it…Let’s go to Maria Tony Barto Romo. (Maria the Queen Bee of Bullshit) is very excited I must say.

4:00 PM

Cue the usual CNBS porn music.


“Arrrrrgh eee ah do arrrrgh you weeeee know where your eeeeeee money ishz? Eeeeeeeeeee!”

Ok, I need to fill you guys in on something. I can’t understand half the crap Maria says after the close cause she has some weird speech problem with S’s. I have developed a special decoder so you can understand what she said. You can thank me a lot at some other time. Other than that, this is how Crapvision handled today’s news that we suck a lot.


“Ashz wi schpeak I shee Treaszuriesh….shhh..ashxw..Texash Instrumetnshz! Beatszh,,,Areeee Whah! Wheee! Whooo!!…ashzh we szpeak…………Wah aww wah eeeeeeeeeee,,,,,,e,,,,,,whah…wooooo!!!!!!!!!! EEEE ahhhh!!!!! Youargh reda wenevah wha!!! Wrearh!!! Ah woo Ahh!!!!! Asyhz Shed before the eeSzh and Peeeeeeeeeee Argh whooo eeeeehhh!!!!!

Maria Translation Decoder:

A key credit agency issued an unprecedented warning to the United States government Monday, urging Washington to get a grip on its finances or risk losing the nation’s sterling credit rating.

For the first time, Standard & Poor’s lowered its long-term outlook for the federal government’s fiscal health from “stable” to “negative,” and warned of serious consequences if lawmakers fail to reach a deal to control the massive federal deficit.

Texas Instruments reported earnings and is up after hours. No, it is down. No it is up again! No, it is down……and up again!

That’s all I got.

Oh yeah, I got dive bombed by two geese today. I am not kidding. They started puffing out their chests and the long necked duo went for my head. How weird is that? One had a beard.

I did try to run them over with my car before they attacked me so that might have been part of it.


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