2011 Predictions

December 27, 2010
By

Top Story- An infants first words are text messaged to his parents–Boo Yah.

The Situation Room then pays the child $200,000 dollars to duplicate the miraculous act in front of Wolf Man Blitzer.

News coverage of the war in Afghanistan, oil hitting $200, unemployment rising to 20%, and widespread civil unrest are discontinued by all of the major networks for the Boo Yah baby.

Global news coverage of the stunning event explodes and continues for several months.

The random baby then gets his own reality show and pays $200,000 in cash to Bristol Palin for the house she just bought for $172,000 in cash in Arizona.

Bristol makes a profit of $28,000 dollars tax free in 60 days for getting pregnant at 16.

Young teenage girls become inspired by Bristol’s success story and 16 year old pregnancies rise in 2011.

The baby turns one and a half and can only text by the end of the year but can text daddy and momma.

Multitasking driving record is set by bar hopping college grad who drove down Michigan Avenue in Chicago without ever looking at the road.

The driver had no idea there was a road, people or police near by until she catapulted into Fultons Fish Market near Comiskey Park.

While in her trance, the young lady flattened several Fed Ex boxes and destroyed the statue in Buckingham Fountain as she texted her boyfriend, did her nails and ate a bowl of Wendy’s chili.

The chili had cheese, sour cream, and gold fish crackers and came with a soda. The police reported nothing was spilled.

While in her holding cell, the young woman invents Tongue Texting in sixteen hours. By Christmas 2011, tongue texting becomes a new American status symbol.

Upon release from jail, the clueless driver appears on Good Morning America demonstrating Tongue Texting to Regis and earns $220,000 thousand dollars for her appearance.

She then pays $220,000 in cash to the random baby in Arizona whose first words were texted on CNN. The baby made a $20,000 dollar profit and buys 50 shares of Auto Zone.

Tongue texting spreads to Africa and Siberia by the end of 2011.

CNBS anchors tongue text during technology conference calls. Students tongue text their ACT tests.

A boulder becomes the first Harvard MBA recipient. See that rock on the desk? It is smart.

The rock that was placed on a desk by a student as a joke and graduated with honors from Harvard University.

The stone goes on to work for the Treasury department under Tim Geithner as a compliance officer overseeing the Federal Reserve’s POMO injections.

The rock is still there on the desk and has not moved.

Upon being hired by Turbo Timmy, the boulder received an incentive bonus of $250,000 thousand dollars from the Federal Reserve for not saying crap about what they were doing.

The boulder uses all the cash to buy the Arizona house from Tongue Texter.

The Tongue Texter bought the Arizona home for $220,000 thousand dollars from the baby.

The Tongue Texter turns around and buys 100 shares of Apple with her profit.

What’s left of our manufacturing base takes another hit as thought bubbles get outsourced to China. Who cares?

Best Buy campers pitch their tents January 3rd in anticipation of the 2011 Summer Rally and sale.

CNBS vows to pay the campers $300,000 dollars if they can make it through the month of January.

At the end of January, the Best Buy campers receive their cash from Crapvision and pay $300,000 dollars to the boulder for its home in Arizona.

A steady diet of Whoppers kept the campers warm and healthy.

The boulder takes the cash and retires in the Caribbean after a few months of work in the Treasury Department.

He’s the one way on the back by the water near the snail. He buried his money and it is safe.

In April, the Best Buy campers have their Arizona home foreclosed after maxing out their home equity line to buy up all the inventory of the next 30 Ipad releases from all the stores in the USA.

Bristol Palin then buys the Arizona home for cash for $172,000 at a Carlton Sheets flip this house seminar prior to Christmas 2011.

These hot stories should help you invest wisely this year. Thank you a lot.

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4 Responses to 2011 Predictions

  1. Guest42 on December 27, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    Good stuff dude. Tongue texting. lolol.

    Speaking of Autozone:
    One guy owns over 50% of the 30 million float. Well, slightly less now. Its his own personal bubble. He’s made more in the stock than the company has earned in its entire existence.

    —–
    Dec 27 (Reuters) – Billionaire hedge fund manager Edward Lampert trimmed his stake in AutoZone Inc (AZO.N), the largest U.S. auto parts retail chain, to 33.8 percent, a regulatory filing showed on Monday.

    Lampert now owns 14.8 million shares of Autozone, down from 15.3 million shares he owned in October, an AutoZone filing with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission showed.

    Lampert held a 34.3 percent stake in the company as of Oct. 28.

  2. Rum Wiggles on December 27, 2010 at 11:09 pm

    You forgot to mention the Harvard educated boulder also has $200K of student loan debt.

  3. James Fortado on January 5, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    Notice the degree of delusion in both the article and the comments in the article linked by clicking on my name, summary here:

    Laszlo Birinyi, one of the first money managers to advise buying U.S. stocks before they bottomed in March 2009, said the average length and size of bull markets suggests the Standard & Poor’s 500 Index will rally to 2,854 on Sept. 4, 2013.

    • bore eatto on January 7, 2011 at 5:44 am

      2,854 by 9/2013? I think he means for the Dow Industrials. That I could believe.

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